shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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