The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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