fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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