I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
