All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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