I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
