My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
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