Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
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