you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
