the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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