i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Did I show you my penis last night?
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Randomize
