yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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