she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
