When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
