I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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