i wish peter jackson would direct porn
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
