His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
