im six kinds of drunk right now
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
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