ya dads aren't the best wingmen
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Damn victory sex feels great
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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