i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
