i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I feel like I'm in dance class right now
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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