I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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