how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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