Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Randomize
