sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
