Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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