Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
