dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Randomize
