What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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