you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Randomize
