I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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