"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
