I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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