this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
