peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
