There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
