I wish my penis had an off switch
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
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