Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
