Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
