Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
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