I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
