Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
