So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
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