when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
