The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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