I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
