We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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