No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize