I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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