We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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