The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
