I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
