grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
