I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
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