U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Randomize
